Sep 17, 2012

No Leave Me!

I (like most people) have experienced some very sad moments in my life.

Among the top are …

·         Several miscarriages, one quite far along

·         Losing a child who had been with us for almost a year that we were told would be our son, with an hour notice

·         Saying good bye to my father before a very risky surgery where he wasn’t really expected to pull through, wondering if it was the last moment with him (thankfully it was not)

·         Discovering some of the various abuses that have happened with my children

·         A moment with Zoe in China when she said goodbye to her Foster Mother.  The primordial wail that came from that child still haunts me.  And strangely, it wasn’t on gotcha day, it was 2 years later when we went back to visit. 

·         The day we were told Jacob had a fatal kidney disease

·         The day we were told Manny had a month to live

·         And last night with Manny

What happened last night?  Since I was headed to Boston first thing in the morning and still had a lot to coordinate with our trip, I couldn’t leave the hospital.  So I made a list and had Dan bring the stuff to me.  I also haven’t seen the kids in a while (a couple are sick, likely with the same crud that knocked Manny on his butt) so Dan brought the kids and dinner and we hung out. 

It was neat to see Manny interact with all the siblings.  He has special things he likes to do with each one of them. 

Now you have to realize, Manny has been in the hospital A LOT.  And they have come to visit him OFTEN.  So this wasn’t new.  He knows they come and visit and leave. 

But this time was different. 

And I don’t know why.  It worries me. 

As it was time to go he started begging them to stay.  “No leave me!”  It got more and more intense.  He was crying (not pitching a fit), truly sad. 

And then it was time … they HAD to leave. 

Now you also have to understand this … in all the hospitalizations since the first one where we were given the misdiagnosis … I have not cried once.  I keep it together.  I process things in a strange way.  I’ve had moments of sad or worry or frustration, etc.  But was never really to the point where I would just outright boo-hoo. 

But this did it to me.  We closed the door with me holding him and him still bawling his eyes out.  He said, “I sad!” and kept repeating “No leave me!” 

I went to the couch and held him.  We just weeped together.  You know that snot running down your face kind of cry?  And we looked into each other’s eyes and I told him I was sad too. 

We shared this precious little moment. 

And I realized he was vocalizing the reason *I* was crying too!  I don’t want him to leave me either. 

There.  I said it. 

I’m not ready for God to take him yet. 

And I don’t believe it’s time yet anyway, but my heart needed to express it I guess. The reality is not upon us.  But …

Truth is people all around the world are praying for him. For a miracle.  For him to walk and eat and do all the things a 3 year old should be able to do.  We know God can.  God is willing.  God is able. 

I also know that sometimes God says “No” (I wrote a blog about that a long time ago.) 

Sometimes “healing” comes in the ultimate form.  Of being present with the Lord.  And in that moment, Manny will be able to be free to eat and jump and dance and run and eat.  All the things he can’t do now.   And it will be the happiest sad day I’ll have ever experienced. 

But in THIS moment, I’m not ready to let him go.  I’m not.  And I don’t think God is asking that of me yet.  But …

So in that moment last night, Manny, my sweet precious funny amazing Mighty Manny, was able to express what we were BOTH feeling.


I couldn’t have said it better myself!


  1. Bittersweet and Beautifully written.

  2. My heart hurts from you, Manny and your family. Every night when we say prays with our little girl, Mary she says " God please make Manny well". Gigantic hugs for you and Manny from Mary and I.

  3. hugs and prayers! you put into words so many things that alot of moms with kids with a " critical prognosis" feel. You are my hero Beth! Thanks for keeping it real and being honest iwth your feelings! you ar ehelping me with your journey!