Nov 3, 2009

One week from today ...

One week from today and I'll be on an airplane with Zoe (4) headed to China.  My head is full of so many thoughts.  I'm anxious to find out what the future holds for us, for the Children's Home.  I know I'll be getting a lot of ideas and a lot of questions answered.  I'm sure new questions will also arise.

But the one thing most on my mind today is ... we get to see Zoe's foster mother.  We were told we'd never get to meet her, never know her name.  Well, by a miracle, I got to meet her in March.  There wasn't a dry eye in the place!  Even the most stoic of men cried tears as they saw this moment.

2 women who both love the same child.

I know what it's like.  I was a foster parent.  And I HATED HATED it when people would tell me "I could never be a foster parent, my heart is too big."  I wanted to slap them and say, "Thanks for saying that I have a tiny heart but YOU'RE the one with a small heart.  I loved this child enough to give him/her a good start in life.  I loved them enough to share all the love in my heart with them.  And when they left, my heart broke into a million little pieces.  Some of the pieces still aren't together yet."

but I digress ...

I know what it's like to love and lose a child.  To wonder what she's doing now.  To wonder if she's happy.  To wonder, "Did I do enough?"

And this foster mother knows the pain all too well.  So we sat there, hugging each other, crying.  We didn't need many words.  There are no words for times like this.  And in a blink, it was over.  She was gone and it was so surreal it was almost as if it hadn't happened.

This time - Zoe gets to go.  We are going to get to spend most of the day with her this time.  And I'm wondering ... what can I do to honor the love she showed Zoe?  What questions should I ask her?  How will Zoe be feeling during all this?  Will it bring a peace and some closure or will it re-open a wound?  What about the foster mother?  Is this good for her or is it going to be very painful to see how much Zoe has grown and changed?  (She's even had surgery and looks different on top of the typical growth.)

I guess I'm just doing what Mama's do ... we put things in our heart and ponder them.

Zoe is making her some drawings.  We've put together a photo album for her of Zoe's years with us so far.  And I wonder ... what does she need from us?  What will make her feel how deeply we love and respect her.

And yes, there will be pictures.  There will be video.  I will share.

Adoption isn't for wimps!

1 comment:

  1. This is a huge moment in life. For all three of you. God will be holding you in His hands as you experience the depth of it.