Living a small life

The Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25 has been on my heart a lot lately.


At the risk of sounding like I'm bragging, I think God has given me a lot of talents.  And I dabble in each of them.


I don't think I outright bury all of my talents/giftings.  But I KNOW I am not using them to His full glory.


Now in my defense, I DO have a lot on my plate.  I do have 6 kids, 2 that are "quite ill".  I have a husband and a part time job.  I'm over 40 and notice the definite slow down of how far I can push my body before I must rest.


So I have some pretty good excuses.


And I know I'm doing a lot just to take care of these kids ... the biggest and best ministry that I could ever do in a lifetime.


But ...


I know to the core of my being that I'm not giving it my all.  I Know that there's more impact I should be having.


It reminds me of a line from "You've Got Mail".  Meg Ryan's character Kathleen Kelly is asking the question:

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but circumscribed. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?

And it hit me.  One day I will meet my Maker.  I don't picture some harsh God just waiting to pounce on me and show me all the ways I screwed up.  


But I do think (Based on Matthew 25) that He will ask what I did with what He gave me.  And quite honestly, if I died today, I think I would be quite embarrassed by the lack of productivity.  


I have a book written and illustrated, just waiting to be taken to the printer.  I have a book sitting in my office just waiting to be sold.  I have a book written waiting to be illustrated.  I have 3 books part way written on my computer.  I have 2 CD's recorded waiting to be mastered and marketed.  I have the innerworkings of the orphanage in China just waiting for funding and the okey-dokey.  I have 15 years plus of experience giving motivational speeches and TONS of ideas just churning in my heart to get out and I haven't made one call or written one email to let anyone know I'm available.  


etc etc etc.  


And like I said ... I have some pretty good excuses (most of them are sleeping right now as I type this).  


The truth is that I lead a pretty small life ... and I feel that I'm not supposed to.  I'm not talking about fame or fortune or glitz and glamour.  I'm talking about impact.


I think God has given me interesting insights on a number of subjects.  He has navigated my journey through some very unique circumstances.  And at the risk of sounding big-headed, I think He's given me stuff I'm supposed to share with people, not keep it to myself.


As I go through life, I'm an observer.  I notice things that many people miss.  I put things together that other people don't realize go together.  I analyze things.  I'm truly present in every moment of every day. I truly EXPERIENCE life - all it's ups and downs.  All of it.  And from all that, I've gleaned things that I think I'm supposed to give back.  And not just to my 6 kids.


So how do I stop living this small life?


Afterall, Jesus Christ came and died for my sins.  But He also died for my testimony.  He bought it with His blood.  My story is not "mine".  It's His.  And it's hit me recently that I'm not doing a very good job of telling His story.  I'm not OK with that.


I don't know the solution to this yet.  But I'm working on it.