Jun 18, 2010
NOT for the faint of heart (pics and description); plus a rant
You can see in the one picture with my hand just how tiny he is. And just how big this main owie is.
The bad news is ... it's spreading still. The area around the gtube is spreading but he also has new sites of owie. The other side of his tummy is starting red blotches. He has 2 strange blistery looking things on his ear.
As I type this, he is laying comfortably sleeping next to me on the couch. He looks so pitiful with all these tubes in him - including one in his head. That's the IV line where his fluids and meds are going in. He also has the worst stinch coming from the gtube site now. And his little gown is needing to be changed often due to the skin peeling and the oozing blood.
The Pastorial Care Volunteer came by a little bit ago. She was inspired by his story and she was a nice lady. But somehow, I am getting very "tired" of sharing my story like this. I mean on here, I get to choose what to say, when to say it, think about it for a while, edit it and then send it out. When people corner me here at the hospital or in real life, I feel obligated to answer their stupid questions. And they don't realize ... THEY might be asking it for the first time, but it's the 100th time today that I had to answer it. If it were something minor like why his arm is in a cast ... then whatever. But these are questions that always end up with me having to say he was diagnosed with a terminal brain disease. And quite frankly, I don't like saying it. I don't like thinking about it. I don't like talking about it. I don't want to deal with it.
(EDIT: But these are the docs and nurses who are caring for him and I feel like I have to tell them. But it makes me wonder ... can't I just put it in the chart? Do these people write anything down? Strangers I have learned - for the most part - how not to over share. But this environment is tricky.)
I would like to sit here in my hospital room without having person after person after person come in and ask for his story. I had to tell it to the different doctors on Rounds. The GI. Each nurse with each shift. Each PCT at each shift. Each respiratory at shift change. The social worker. etc. etc. I'm seriously thinking about writing it down in a nice, succinct way and putting it on the door. READ IT before you come in. If it doesn't answer all your questions, then feel free to ask. But I don't want to explain the whole thing every time.
And the whole emotional thing is just too much so I start to tell the story in rote form. I'm disassociated from it as if I'm ordering off a menu. I just rattle off the facts, the details and that's it. I don't have the energy to slop through the emotions of how we felt when he got diagnosed, or whatever.
So far, I've been very kind. I'm just worried that one of these days, some poor unsuspecting person will walk in and ask a simple question and I'm gonna lose it on them! (Hope not, but it's a posibility. And if I do, I promise I'll blog about it! LOL)
OK ... rant over. Thanks.