Lately there have been a lot of very happy posts chalk full of good news. I love posting those.
Yes, he's doing great. Yes, he's getting all these good doctor reports. So isn't that enough? Shouldn't I just live in THAT? Yes. And I do. Most of the time.
While I was in the hospital with Manny, many of my friends posted a status of "Pray for Chrissie, Ben and Manny." Three weeks later and Manny is the only one still alive. Chrissie's parents and Ben's parents had to say good bye to their precious little ones. Chrissie was 4. Ben was not quite 2. Manny is almost 1.
Let's just say that is NOT a good list to be on.
They are Christian families. They asked for prayer warriors to storm heaven on behalf of their children. They held high hope and lots of faith that God would intervene and heal their little bodies and let them stay on Earth. They had no doubt that God CAN and DOES heal.
And yet He called them both home.
So I have to admit, I have some doubt. Oh no. There's NO doubt that God is the amazing, mighty Healer who is mighty to save. I have NO doubt that God can and still does healings today. I also know that sometimes God's healing is done in the ultimate sense.
I have not lost hope. I have not lost faith. But I know that God is sovereign.
There are moments where he can't catch his breath and I wonder if this is "it". There are times (daily) where he is choking and I'm praying and crying and commanding him to breathe. I find myself watching him sleep just to see if he is still breathing.
I'm still a bit protective about Manny's current state (like what he can and cannot do physically). But when I have showed video of him to a few friends, they were in SHOCK about how little he can actually do physically. One of my friends said she actually felt guilty after seeing this video. Why? Because she complains about how much energy her kids have and how they destroy the house by running around. She said she'd stop complaining about that. And instead be thankful her girls can move. (I don't want her to feel guilty, of course.)
When I see him, I just see Manny. I see the sparkle in his eyes. Love hearing his emerging laugh. Delight in knowing he is happy. Blown away that I get to be his Mama.
And I just want to be able to do that for a long, long time.